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AvatarRokusGhost
Wordbender
Lady Lostris
Mageddon725
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Wordbender
Mageddon725
AvatarRokusGhost
Lady Lostris

Prologue rewritten

If everyone would be so kind as to take a look at Vortex: Convergence, Part 1 and read over the additions I made to accommodate Eris as the main antagonist, that would be splendid ^^.

I hope the length is not an issue, though as I mentioned often before already, I'm just prone to long, detailed descriptions of what is going on ^^".

I also added very minor alteration to the parts of the other characters, but they are still largely the same for like 99%. All that I did was add italics to a certain word that they said. Only for Ling I altered the sentence from " 'Leave them alone, Bo,' said Suki" to " 'Leave us alone, Bo,' said Ling", cause otherwise, the logic we uphold for why the characters were sucked in would dictate that it was Suki being sucked in and not Ling. And in Yun's part, I altered "blinding white light" to dark light, as the light is dark and black everywhere else.

I also took out that intervention Olaiya had with that old man as that was just so random and replaced it with a sort of "connecting the prologue with the first chapter"-scene at the end. Btw, does this prologue really still qualifies as a prologue? Cause it now smoothly connects with the first chapter, thus giving it the feeling that it is actually just one long chapter. I would suggest just making the prologue the official first chapter and renumber the others.

As you will notice, my explanation for why those exact characters were chosen is due to a combination of Eris's rage shooting of black lightning bolts of energy into a vortex while she's yelling at her father. I have italicized certain words and/or pieces of sentences that are in turn said by each of the characters, thus the reasoning is that by a combination of the black lightning bolt and the saying of the same words by Eris and the character, that specific person was chosen to enter the vortex.

I have also altered the setting a bit. Eris and her father have been fighting in the place where the team would land, as it made absolutely no sense to me that "Olaiya" and "his" father would also be sucked into a vortex without Olaiya knowing where it would lead and be surprised to see where they ended up. I have tried to already incorporate some of the beach setting Wordbender mentioned in the first chapter and the large grass plain was based on the infobox image the first chapter sports ^^". This means, however, that the first chapter also needs minor changes in that regard, as currently it says that they land there on a beautiful, sunny day, while I kind of blackened out the sky by the raging vortex they entered through.

Anyway, any kind of critique and comment about Eris and the chapter is appreciated.

ps: Hey, for many of you, it is still early in the morning, so we can sort of say that I met my "I'll try to rewrite it over the weekend"-deadline ;-)

ps2: Okay, I'm done rambling now :-p

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Wordbender
Mageddon725
AvatarRokusGhost
Lady Lostris
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At first I didn't really mean to, but then I figured that it would be a nice explanation for who those exact characters would be chosen and the small speech she gave was one of the only instances I could fluently work that into the story.

I don't really mind though that a lot is given away, cause if you look at it without previous knowledge, all that you know is that she has two deceased brothers, her mother was sick, and her father apparently left her. You don't know how much of it is true and what exactly went down, which opens up opportunities to slowly reveal more in later chapters, so that the eventual finale of the team trying to mend the bond between Eris and her father wouldn't come as such a surprise.

The group wouldn't necessarily know of Eris's real identity as at that time, they weren't there yet. In the first chapter, Kin could perhaps start addressing Eris as Sakura sometime, but she could cut him off, stating that her name now is Eris. So the team would then know her as Eris, but when they then later connect the dots, someone could vaguely recall that first interaction when the "wounded man" called Eris "Saku-" or something.

However, if you -or anyone else- wants to keep it hidden completely till then, I don't mind, though I figured it would just be easier to slowly lift part of the veil of Eris's background if the reader would know from the beginning that Eris used to be named differently.

Oh, you can certainly edit away, I don't mind. As not a native English speaker, I am certainly not going to protest people fixing things with my writing. Besides, I view that also as the best way to learn and improve, so chop away ^^.

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I'm not opposed to revealing that much about Eris from the get-go. As a reader, I know I might confuse the facts that I know with the facts that the characters know, so we'll just have to make a clear distinction. Nothing impossible. ^_^

'Chop away.' Heheh, alright, when I get a minute I'll tighten it up a bit. ;)

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Really liking the new prologue! I'd say that just the right amount has been revealed about Eris's backstory, so not too much and not too little. It's good to show her in action and show her conflict with her dad in the beginning to really establish her in the story.

As for making this the "prologue" or "chapter 1" and adding a number to the subsequent chapters, that doesn't really make a difference to me.

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FYI, I expounded a little more on Ursa's first scene.

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I'm changing Kaddo's first scene to something entirely different. It should come out to around the same length.
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Sounds good. :) Do we have a timetable on the re-release?

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Btw, may be a little late tomorrow.

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I still need to write Eris into Convergence, Pt. 2. Sorry it's taking so long. It's on my to-do list, it just seems like something urgent always jumps ahead of it. I'll definitely get to it this week, hopefully before next meeting. *crosses fingers*

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Did anything happen at the meeting on Sunday?
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